Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD.
An Outline of the Book: Chapters 7-8
Disclaimer: This summary was completed through the hard work and effort of parents associated with the online community of Baby Center’s Attachment Parenting and Positive Parenting Boards. Mr. Cohen is aware of this summary, but did not do any of the summarizing himself. He is, however, pleased that this project was started. This outline is meant to be a companion to the book and not a substitution for it. You would be doing yourself and the author a disservice to read this summary only without having read the real thing first. We hope that this summary will serve as a tool to help you keep the ideas of Playful Parenting alive in your mind and in your homes.
Positive Parenting Chapter 7: Suspend the Reality, Reverse the Roles
This chapter talks about how play is important because it suspends the normal roles and rules of life, and allows the child to try on new roles, try out being the rule enforcer and experiment with power. "Role reversal is especially helpful for restoring children's sense of confidence . . . and for overcoming fears and inhibitions." (p. 113)
Children often feel powerless in their world, as they are the ones following the rules, getting told what to do and when to do it. Play gives them a chance to take on a powerful role. Even older children will take on new roles - pre-adolescents play at becoming teenagers, teenagers take on the role of an adult.
Using Role Reversal
Role reversal can help children restore their confidence by making sure that it is the adult, and not the child, who appears incompetent in play. Adults often try to boost a child's confidence with words and lectures about "how well they are doing". Often this doesn't work. Children still feel incompetent because they are less good at things than adults are. By reversing the roles, the adult can help the child cut through their own feelings of incompetence. In doing so, the child can feel more competent than the adult, even if it's for a short time.
Role reversal can also help with older children who are picking on smaller ones. By "reversing the roles" and asking the older child to pick on an adult instead, the older child gets a chance to play out power issues, but in a situation that won't get them into trouble. The adult can pretend to be incompetent, and thus give the older child a feeling of power, or the adult can wrestle with the older child, and show the older their limitations (but still let them win).
The Importance of Storytelling
Storytelling is a way to help children address and heal fears. Often children play the same scenes over and over again, but don't seem to heal from it. Other times, children appear to be avoiding an issue. Storytelling can help children address these issues in a non-threatening way.
Stories "work best when they are thinly disguised versions of the truth close enough to make a connection between the story and the real events and feelings, but different enough to make it safe." (p. 117) Finding the right distance from the events that are troubling is sometimes difficult, but with practice you can talk about topics that may be too hard to address directly. Joint storytelling can also be a way for children and parents to work out difficult issues - have the child add elements and create part of the story for you to continue on. As children get older (10 to 12), the focus can shift to the child to listening to the child's own story. One powerful tool is having an older child tell their life story - perhaps over and over again, asking them to add details each time. Resist the urge to fill things in for them or to correct them. This is their story.
Parents as Directors: Helping Children Take on Fears
Sometimes parents need to take on the role of scriptwriter or director in order to help children address fears. Children, like adults, will gladly avoid things they are afraid of. But this does little to help them get over the fear. Initiating a game about the fears can help the child overcome them. Sometimes games don't work and parents have to address the fear head-on. If this happens, try to balance the desire to protect the child from any fear and the desire to push them to get over it. Taking it slowly, watching the child's reactions and pushing them to the edge (but not over) of their abilities will help them deal with it. Finally, sometimes children seek out scary experiences and want to relive them over and over again. When they do this, especially with an adult who can intervene when things get too scary, they desensitize themselves. If the child seeks out the fear but just gets scared over and over again, the adult needs to intervene, often with role reversal play and help the child through the fear.
Fantasy Play
Sometimes role reversal isn't necessary. Sometimes just playing out the actual difficulties can help. This is what happened when Larry Cohen's daughter said "Let's pretend you're the dad and I'm the daughter and you're mad at me." Sometimes controlling the game is enough for the child to play through the issues. Children may often do this when playing through a painful theme, such as jealousy toward a sibling, feeling that no on likes them or difficulties in school. Many children will introduce their own fantasy play, other children need a push from the adult. Introduce a conflict or a challenge, or give other characters in the story the same conflicts the child is dealing with (having the tow truck say "You love the fire truck more than me!") The child may be mean or nasty to this character, which shows how bad he feels about the problem. Or the child may show you exactly what she needs from you in this play.
At times, it is difficult to read between the lines when a child says "I hate you" to see that what the child means is "everyone hates me". Being able to address these comments in a playful way "Waaah, he HATES me!!!" or "Well, you can hate me, just don't LOVE me!!" can help the child through the emotions.
Children often take on good guy/bad guy play (cops and robbers, Batman, etc.). This kind of play disturbs parents sometimes, but it is a good way to practice control over aggression. Playing at hurting people (being the bad guy) or at hurting bad people (the good guy) can help children learn to control these impulses.
Finding an Original Script
Sometimes children initiate role reversal play; sometimes they need help from adults to do that. Because of the pervasive influence of the media, children sometimes need active adults in order to help them write and star in their own stories. Sometimes leaving children to their own devices means leaving them to the power of the best marketing. The problem with children following the scripts written by the media is that these scripts tell children both what to buy AND how to play with those things. Thus, children do not get a chance to play out themes and issues that are important them and their development. At the same time, you can't ban media themes because children often need to play these themes out to find out what they mean to them. As parents, we need to watch media with our children, talk with them about it, but also play these themes with the child, twisting the roles and adding new themes.
The best solution is to limit the amount of exposure to media, and play with your child.
Chapter 8: Empower Girls & Connect with Boys
(Suggestions for playing in italics)
The author discusses studies that show people have a tendency to treat babies & children differently based on their gender. We discourage boys from expressing emotions like fear, sadness and loneliness. We nurture girls more, but tend to overprotect them.
The author accepts that inborn gender differences exist, but feels they are quite small. Society exaggerates the differences, thus limiting the individual potential of our children. All children need both closeness and confidence. Girls need play that encourages them to be daring and strong. Boys need play that encourages connection.
Why I play Barbie (and Action Figures) even though I hate it:
If we lecture kids that a game is too girly or too violent, they’ll shut us out. They will still play those games, but their play will be influenced by toy marketers and T.V. show writers instead of us. When playing Barbies, invent story lines that involve the dolls being strong and brave. When playing action figures or war type games, make comments like, “That must hurt.” With boys the author also takes an opportunity to connect through touch, by crouching and hiding behind them or falling on top of them when evading the enemy. The author encourages creating characters that allow children to laugh at stereotypes (e.g. having a strong Barbie argue with super feminine Barbie, or pretending to be “Never Cry Man”, who constantly bursts into tears.)
Drawing:
Kids often get into drawing gender stereotyped pictures. Draw with them to help them out of this loop. Challenge them to try something they haven’t done before, or joke that that they’ve drawn a love battleship, or a warrior rainbow.
Abuse
Girls tend to be abused at home by people who manipulate close relationships. Boys tend to be abused by strangers who exploit boys’ need for affection. Parents need to engage with boys to help free them up to express the emotions that society tells them to hide.
Ideas for connecting with boys:
Fortunately/Unfortunately story game – go back and forth telling a story together, one person starting his/her segment with “Unfortunately”, the other person starting with “Fortunately”. The disaster/rescue scenario is an important theme for children.
Squiggle – one person draws a bunch of random squiggles and the second person has to connect them to form a picture.
Play “Name that feeling” – make a face or ask your child to make one & guess the emotion. Try to identify emotions in faces in magazines.
Create characters that are over-emotional during imaginary play. Children especially love characters who cry in an exaggerated way.
With older boys who are resistant to communicating:
Ask them to give a thumbs up or down, instead of asking for details about their day. The boy in this example went on to invent a series of signals for different happenings.
During a video game, hide screen so that only you can see it & see if it is still playable with you giving voice instructions only.
Older girls:
Young girls often work out connection problems through doll play & parents can help by participating. As they get older, connect by offering to do whatever they want to do with them. Author suggests saying, “Your turn” & when they ask what you mean, tell them that we can do whatever or go wherever they want. Wait & give them a chance to think instead of jumping in with suggestions.
Boys Powerlessness
Author thinks some instances of Attention Deficit Disorder are really attachment problems. Boys may behave recklessly in response to having their cups empty.
Parents should be a soothing influence in the face of impulsiveness. They can say, “Slow down; let’s figure out how to do this safely, or “Let’s try this; I’ll spot you.”
Sit down and invite kids to try to push you over. Direct contact is more effective than the pretend ninja moves, they often pick up from T.V. Kids who seem the most aggressive, will often give up easily because they fear being really powerful.
Boys get teased for crying & then we’re surprised when they hit someone or break something to release emotion. When children are punished for having and showing feelings, it’s harder to recover from a loss and no chance to get it out of their systems. Boys need to be allowed to express their feelings.
Author suggests pretending to be the “Designated Screamer” when a child is holding in physical pain, and hopping around and acting hurt for him.
Mixed Gender Play
Around Kindergarten or Grade 1, boys and girls start having different styles of play. Rather than finding neutral things like drawing for kids, to do when you have a child of the opposite gender visiting, get down on the floor and play with them. Combine Barbies and Action Figures and have them visit the moon, or another non-traditional activity that will engage both.
Conclusion
Cuddling, comforting and valuing boys do not make them weak; it makes them emotionally strong. Although we’re less afraid of letting girls be powerful and strong, there’s still room for improvement.
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Printable Version (MS Word - 39 pages - 194kb)
Playful Parenting 1 - Chapters 1-2
Playful Parenting 2 - Chapters 3-4
Playful Parenting 3 - Chapters 5-6
Playful Parenting 4 - Chapters 7-8
Playful Parenting 5 - Chapters 9-12
Playful Parenting 6 - Chapters 13-15 |
