Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD.
An Outline of the Book: Chapters 3-4
Disclaimer: This summary was completed through the hard work and effort of parents associated with the online community of Baby Center’s Attachment Parenting and Positive Parenting Boards. Mr. Cohen is aware of this summary, but did not do any of the summarizing himself. He is, however, pleased that this project was started. This outline is meant to be a companion to the book and not a substitution for it. You would be doing yourself and the author a disservice to read this summary only without having read the real thing first. We hope that this summary will serve as a tool to help you keep the ideas of Playful Parenting alive in your mind and in your homes.
Chapter 3. Establishing a Connection
The key to attachment is responsiveness.
When playing a game, make sure the child does not feel mocked or teased by the play. If this happens, stop the game immediately.
The playful parenting technique works best when the adult insists on connecting, but the child sets the terms of the connection.
Connection, Disconnection, and Reconnection
Children repeat the connection, disconnection and reconnection cycle with their parents throughout their life. When a child is connected, playful parenting is just a way to have fun with your child but when a child is disconnected, it is a good way to draw the child out of isolation. Play is a child's natural way of recovering from daily emotional upheaval so playful parenting can help a child reconnect.
Filling My Cup - Attachment and the Drive to Reconnect
The metaphor of filling and refilling a cup is used to describe attachment theory, the basis of heartfelt parent-child connection. In this metaphor, the parent is the reservoir - a place to start from and return to in between explorations. An empty cup is when the child is hungry, tired, lonely, or hurt. It can be refilled by either receiving love, being fed, comforted, and/or nurtured. As they grow, children's whose cups have been consistently filled carry a strong sense of security and are securely attached. A child not securely attached tends to be anxious, clingy, withdrawn and shut down. They might not feel safe, even with the people closest to them or even venture out confidently.
Other terms used in this section are leaky cups, or children who constantly need love, reassurance, kisses, ect... Knocking a cup over is when a child is hit, neglected, or harshly punished. This may lead to a cracked cup or major abuse or neglect.
Playing Toward Connection
Primates also play for many of the same reasons as humans, to reconnect after connection has been severed. One game to help reconnect is called mirroring. This is a simple game in which the parent mirrors back facial expressions, smiles, noises, and feelings. It can create a fun moment of closeness or a deeply felt connection. This game is good for babies, toddlers and older children.
Another connection game for babies is peek-a-boo. It reflects the delicate balance of connection and loss of connection. Mirroring, cuddling, talking, and singing to babies are prototypes of play.
The End of Blissful Eye Gazing
Eye gazing is a great way to reconnect with a child. Eye gazing is still an option even with a child over two. All children (three, six and older) should be engaged in soulful eye gazing with their parents. Most parents are skeptical at first, but find it to be very rewarding.
Finding Connection Everywhere: The Love Gun
The love gun shows how an ordinary situation can be resolved playfully. In this example, a neighbor kid was pointing an (empty) squirt gun at the author, but instead of getting mad he told the kid it was a love gun. He said that whomever was "shot" would instantly fall in love with the shooter. At the kid pulled the trigger, the author really hammed it up with a goofy smile and lots of hugs. Both the author and the kid had a lot of fun and a connection was made.
There are many other variations of the love gun. One variation is slipping love notes under the door when a child is barricading themselves in their room. Make them very silly and very sappy (read the notes a loud if the child can’t read). If a child is kicking or punching, say that the kicks or punches are love taps. To make sure you are not hurt, hold the child closer not further away.
Unlocking the Tower of Isolation
Children isolate themselves in many ways like insulting people. The key to unlocking the tower of isolation is realizing that insults are sometimes requests for connection. Instead of getting mad, turn it into play. Like if a child calls you stinker, say that is your nickname or secret name.
If the child is physically or emotionally isolating themselves keep inviting the child to connect. However, try to make the offer on their terms, in the way they chose. Reconnection takes persistence. The author described on story about passing a note under a locked door to a child. It took about 1/2 hour before the child opened up the door.
Who is that Holding You? Moving form Casual Connection to Deep Connection
Developing a connection involves more than playing. There are other nonplayful interactions just as important like comforting and holding a crying child. The author describes an example from his own life. During his wife's internship, she would be away from her daughter for 36 hours. The connection was severed and it became apparent when the mom would try to gaze loving into her daughter's eyes and her daughter would look elsewhere. In order to reconnect, they would play the game “who is holding you”. It may take a lot repetition but reconnection was established when the daughter would lovingly look up to her mom and say "Mommy is holding me." This is one way of how play can help move a relationship from a casual connection to a deep connection.
Chapter 4: Encouraging Their Confidence
Power & Powerlessness
Unfortunately you see plenty of children that are afraid to speak their mind or think their own thoughts & plenty that are reckless, violent & bossy but none of this is confidence.
Society is ambivalent about power. Adults are especially this way about children in power. We applaud them when they stand up for a friend but we don’t want them standing up to us! We want them to be assertive, confident & poised but not abusive or pushy. We admire physical strength, self-confidence & courage but we punish aggression & bullying. This is a confusing line for children.
Power
Confidence = POSITIVE Power – the power to take a stand for what’s right, the power to be adventurous (w/in safe limits), the power to achieve a goal, the power of happy play.
Powerlessness
- This looks like whining, passivity, timidity.
- Pseudo Power a hollow imitation of power includes biting, hitting being reckless, stealing, intimidating & bossing.
Playful parenting helps children out of the traps of each type of powerlessness.
Fortunately most kids experience waves of the healthy kind of power.
Wave 1 – Infant Power – I cry & I get milk, I smile & you smile back. Frustration mounts when they cry or smile & nothing happens. I little frustration is important & necessary for a child to develop but too much leads to powerlessness.
Infants learn about everything through interaction. The parent is actually the infants first & best toy. Through interacting w/ a parent they learn the most important element of their world – other humans. It teaches them about their senses, gravity, motion, making toys appear & disappear – all the basic rules of the universe.
Wave 2 – Toddler Power – The power to say no, to assert themselves as a separate person. If this power is respected but safely contained w/ firm loving limits then the growing child can assert their own identity w/out hurting themselves or others. This growing independence can scare & annoy parents. Some may crack down to hard & trample their child’s spirit. This is shown to be when child abuse increases. The middle ground between excessive punishment & no limits is to recognize & enjoy the burst in independence while providing safety & structure of clear limits.
Wave 3 – Child Power (Preschool to Adolescence) – This is when they try to make their own place in the world. They learn to play games, make friends, read & write. There are new ways to feel powerful or powerlessness. For some it’s when winning & losing become so emotionally charged. This can be w/ sports, games, making friends, understanding fractions, etc. All children experience frustration as they grow up. Powerlessness rears its head when as a result of the setbacks they experience as they try to feel confident & self-assured. They can’t do things as well as their friends or siblings, they’re criticized & given grades so they feel judged. They are overloaded w/ thoughts on how they should behave, act, talk, dress, etc. The combined effects of these feelings lead children to powerlessness via passivity or aggressive pseudo power.
The PP approach will help children & parents at every stage/wave of this development sequence. All the healthy aspects of power can be fostered through play & playfulness. When powerlessness creeps in (& it will) PP can help children back to confidence & competence.
Experimenting W/ Power: Playing the Poopyhead Game
Reverse psychology & an experiment w/ power. The power of words & the power to break rules. Let them experiment on you not other kids because that will cause hurt feelings. When they experiment w/ us it allows us to step out of the power struggle & into play.
Bathroom humor & name-calling are both great loves of a young child. They also both relate to power – controlling one’s bodily functions & the power to hurt someone’s feelings. When the author is called a Poopyhead he says shhh don’t tell everyone my secret name an of course they then shout it out to everyone. He’ll then laugh & say he was only kidding his REAL secret name is Rice Krispies Cake (or something really silly bc the object is to break the tension about name calling w/ some serious giggles). The child then shouts out the REAL secret name. He has played this game w/ some kids for hours.
Another game helps them stop using inappropriate words, body parts, obscenities, etc. Once a child says such a word the author tells them they can say that all they want but if you say Bobbleyboo you’re gonna get in big trouble. When they say it the author pretends to get them trouble. Children love this game & they actually stop being so obsessed w/ saying the other words.
Preparing Your Child for the World
Many parents believe in the cold-cruel-world philosophy. They believe they have to prepare their kids for the hardships in life by getting them used to it. What a child really needs is to feel secure & self confident & this comes from loved & well cared for. Not over protected but not toughened up either. Too much protection creates fearfulness & timidity. It’s best to both nurture & challenge children. A good example of this is while playing games. Sometimes a child may want to win & other times they may want more of a challenge. It’s best to follow their lead. Children probably won’t come out & say it so be alert to subtle signals, like “Did you let me when?” or “This is boring.” You answer w/ “I didn’t play my hardest; do you want me to?” Maybe they gloat over winning even though you let them win. You could say, “Should I play my hardest so you don’t win all the time?” If it goes well they will balance the enjoyment of winning even unfairly & the enjoyment of a challenging match even if they lose. Playing a game is more than just the actual game it’s also a confidence building game.
Children will let you know via signals if they need special attention regarding their feelings about winning or losing. If they’re very upset about losing or very obnoxious about winning you may need to change from playing the game to playing w/ these themes. I.E. Play a game where you always win & be big figure of a sore loser or brag about how great you are & miss every shot. Do whatever will make them laugh & release that feeling of life or death over the outcome of the game.
Quieting that Critical Voice
Adults are known for taking the fun & playfulness out everything from swimming to math. Even worse is our tendency to criticize children. It happen so often many adults don’t even realize it. It installs a little voice in their head that will criticize them for the rest of their life. As adults that little voice is probably still there. Sometimes children just need a little encouragement but many times their inner voice tries to have the last word. At this point we just need to listen & maintain our confidence in them while allowing them to release their feelings. This is a crucial part of PP.
Recovering Lost Confidence
Children gravitate to play that helps them master the big & little upsets in their lives. I.E. A 15 month old was upset that her parents were going out even though she was being left w/ a sitter she liked. The little girl made up a game of hide & seek & played it w/ the sitter over & over. Playing w/ the ideas of disappearance & return helped her remember that her parents would come home. Play gives a child a safe place to experiment at will, suspend rules & constraints. They can give a story a happy ending or become the hero. When children are struggling parents can help w/ their recovery of confidence by playing w/ them. Almost all children will face a “trauma”, losing a friend, being teased, etc. These things are painful & will hurt a child’s confidence. Parents tend to turn towards lectures but a playful approach is much more helpful. Parents could act out a similar situation by using dolls. This is especially useful when kids don’t want to talk about situations that may be bothering them. I.E. If you suspect your child is upset that you & your spouse have been arguing. You could make the mom & dad dolls argue & this will give the child the opportunity to pick up the theme. They may take another doll & say please make up or I’m going to run away, etc. |
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Printable Version (MS Word - 39 pages - 194kb)
Playful Parenting 1 - Chapters 1-2
Playful Parenting 2 - Chapters 3-4
Playful Parenting 3 - Chapters 5-6
Playful Parenting 4 - Chapters 7-8
Playful Parenting 5 - Chapters 9-12
Playful Parenting 6 - Chapters 13-15 |
